At our most recent Widow's Might meeting we discussed our latest Blog on Myths & Facts About Grief. We found in sharing our experiences many felt similar emotions, and found comfort as we shared and let each other realize neither is alone in her grief. We also realize we must actively participate in our grief journey. It is not something we can try to ignore and have it go away by itself. We need to become "intentional survivors" not hapless victims. We need to seek help from each other, read, journal, reach out to others in pain, set a goal, no matter how small, and let our emotions out without shame.
I found an interesting article I'd like to share portions with you. It was called "STAIRS of GRIEF". I enjoyed a comment in it to ascend our stairs slowly. . . taking baby steps each day. Where did we hear that before?
The 1st step is usually SHOCK. Our loved one dies, we feel disbelief and numbness from head to soul. This enables us to choose a casket, sign papers, read sympathy cards and share our grief with others. We feel like we're in a primal stage of survival; we function as an automaton and accomplish the impossible; we bury or cremate the body of our loved one. Looking back, I believe most felt as I did that you were an outsider watching yourself, not totally "there", even though your body is there. Many aspects of that time are also forgotten. You might remember some people or incidents, but there are also missing links.
The 2nd step is TRAUMA. The reality of our loss and struggle to comprehend and weave it into the fabric of our daily life usually becomes our next challenge. This might be the step where one lingers longest. Out of habit we return to work, go through holidays and struggle each day to cope. Every morning we open our eyes after a fitful night's sleep and again fight with denial and disbelief. The light of a new day calls us to rejoin the human race that we are not anxious to embrace. We move forward, even function, but feel like we're dishonoring our loved one. We know there is no going back, yet we don't really want to move ahead. So we stay where we are on that step for as long as it takes.
The 3rd step is ACCEPTANCE. This is the most powerful step toward moving forward in processing our loss; when we can actually accept the loss has taken place, we can then make plans for the future, as nebulous as it may seem. This is not easy, but is crucial for our survival. Accepting the reality of the loss is NOT forgetting or letting go. It is living with the loss and accepting its damage to our future. I know because in a good marriage we are "one flesh" with our husbands, I literally felt like my best half was buried with him.
Then comes our 4th step - INSIGHT. This is where we look deep within ourselves to try to find ourselves. We question our faith and seek to find the meaning of life in the depths of our sorrow. We use our tools of intuition, gut feelings and prayer to access the world, inside and out, in a different light of perception. The more we know, the more we know how much we don't know. We look to find answers to the whys and deep cries of our wounded souls, and are finally willing to hear some answers.
The 5th step is then REBUILDING. This is where we take charge of our journey and find creative and healthy ways to process our loss. This is where we earnestly attempt to reconstruct the foundation of a life that was shattered and try to regain joy which is ours in Christ. We become intentional in our lives. This is where we can make a difference in the world and fulfill our personal destiny. When we honor our loved one's life by creating a legacy in his name, the world is enriched rather than diminished.
Our 6th step is SERENITY and true peace. This is not always possible in this world, loss or no loss, but it is attainable in Christ. It may take years, even decades to reach, or it may creep into our lives on the journey itself, when we are caught by surprise to see the face in the mirror is smiling. Miracles to happen. Believe.
One of my favorite scriptures which I shared previously is 2 Cor. 1:3-4. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulations, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.
These verses have helped me in my journey with grief so often, and I can now give my Lord Jesus the praise and thanks that He comforted me by revealing His reality to my heart, and is now giving me the privilege to minister His loving care and presence to others, whether to other widows, hospital patients, friends from church in Bible Studies, wherever I go. It has been a lot of years that I have been on this journey now, but with the presence of Jesus, each day gets sweeter than the day before - because of His loving care and presence. I picked up my Inspirational Study Bible by Max Lucado, who is a Pastor in Texas and one of my favorite authors.
I'd like to close this Blog with a quote from this Inspirational Bible: "Why?" we cry as we stand at the grave of a loved one. Life is short and sometimes tragic, and each day we are reminded of our finiteness. We don't know the future, we don't know the relationship between events, and we certainly don't know why. But we do know that God is good and all knowing--nothing catches Him by surprise, not the car out of control, the malignant tumor, the hurricane, or the disease. So even as we wonder and question the reason and cause for each event, we can be confident that God knows and that in everything, even the senseless tragedy, He is working.
I pray each of you has a Blessed Thanksgiving Day filled with loved ones and new surprises from your Loving Heavenly Father.
In Christ's Love and mine, Dee
