As most of my friends know, I'm a rather voracious reader, and always like to find something to share with others, especially widows. Though I recently entered a new Blog, last evening I came across something I'd like to further encourage you in your journey with Grief.
I have been reading a 1988 Daily Guideposts that was my Mother's. I'd saved many copies of these inspiring books, but gave most of them to others. Two of Mother's escaped, and I have been rereading them. Last evening I came across a devotional written by Aletha Jane Lindstrom about a friend, Pat. Her father died, leaving her mother in a deep, lasting depression. Pat did all she could, but adjustment for her mother was slow and trying. I know many of you still deal with adjustments and challenges.
Pat prayed for a way to help. Finally she decided to make up a booklet titled "One Day At A Time." One of my friends in our Widow's Might gave me this as her favorite bit of advice when I asked her thoughts sometime ago. Each page of Pat's booklet contained an activity selected to help her mother overcome inertia and self-pity by renewing her awareness of God's goodness and encouraging her to reach out to others. For example:
Monday: Get up early and take a dawn walk. Watch the world wake up.
Tuesday: Take time to bake bread from scratch. Enjoy the cool feeling of dough in your hands. Notice how the more you punch it down, the more it rises. (Then share it with a friend.)
Wednesday: Go to the library and browse. Follow your inclinations. You may find yourself gravitating toward a book that can help you - or a person you can talk with - Maybe go out to lunch with her later?
Thursday: Write a thank-you letter - possibly to an old teacher, a friend, your pastor, your child? Make a list of people you feel grateful to, and why. Pray and thank God for them.
Friday: Do something today for someone else who was close to your husband. Find a picture they'd enjoy, or share something your loved one said about them they'd like to hear. They're grieving too, and would appreciate attention from you.
Saturday: Go for a drive. Pick a different direction and explore. Feel the wind on your face, the peaceful solace of movement on an open road. Thank God for your life and living things. This is a lovely season to enjoy the lovely Fall foliage. (I will never forget a precious memory of my Dad while my family lived in Texas. I missed the Fall. One day at lunchtime, Dad picked up fall leaves in many colors and sent them to me. No one will ever know how that helped my homesickness, and how much it endeared me to my Dad. This was something totally unexpected from him. I saved those leaves until they fell apart).
Sunday: Spend quiet time thinking of dreams for the future. Touch your toes ten times. Thank God for something each time. Get up and go to church, even if you don't feel like it. Above all, don't isolate yourself from people or God at this crucial time.
Here are more ideas. Look for another lonely friend. No one of us is truly alone; Pat's mother had her daughter, and there are others who may not have a daughter or son of her own who'd enjoy having us reach out to them.
Thanksgiving is coming in about another month. Can you think of someone who has no family you might invite to join you (and your family if you are blessed with other family members)? At Calvary we have the feeding program with which you can help. I can never forget when I lived in Oklahoma. My sons were all away and I felt "alone in a strange land." I prayed that the Lord would fill the void in my life with Himself. He did, and I never felt alone while I lived in that home. The Lord also brought many new friends into my life, some of whom I continue to hear from many years later. At Thanksgiving, Christmas and other times, my sons brought friends home to celebrate with us. One year a son brought a friend with his boy and a young man spending the year with them from Germany. Another son brought college friends from many states too far away to go home for the holidays. We had new friends join us from all over the country, and Germany that year. I often think of Hans, and pray He met the Savior who loves and died for him. He'd never experienced such love in the Family of God, and I hope to one day meet him in Heaven.
What kind of memories can you make for others in this time that you yourself feel alone? As the Scriptures say, "A generous man (or woman) will prosper; he (or she) who refreshes others will himself (or herself) be refreshed. (Prov. 11:25). Let someone else know His love and yours. In a previous Blog I recalled how the hose used to water others itself gets wet. You can never lose when you reach out to others. Look up! Encourage yourself in the Lord like David (1 Samuel 30:6). When the fog surrounds you and you can't see the way out, lie back in the arms of Jesus and trust Him. He wants your faith, your confidence. He wants you to cry out, "Jesus loves me! He is with me, and will not fail me. In fact, He's working it all out right now. I will not be cast down. I will not be defeated. God is on my side! I love Him and He loves me."
A Blessed "Thanks Living" to all. Jesus loves you and so do I! Dee
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Myths & Facts About Grief
We have recently been meeting more widows. My heart goes out to each one, because I remember so deeply how alone I felt when I had no one with whom to speak about my feelings. Forty years ago I was the only woman in my neighborhood of 100 homes where there was no husband or daddy. My young sons were made more aware of this by unkind remarks made by their peers about why they had no daddy. This only made my own wounds more painful.
New materials about "Myths & Facts About Grief" were given to me recently, and I felt sharing some of these would be helpful for you.
MYTH:The pain of loss will go away faster if you ignore it.
FACT:Trying to ignore your pain or keep it hidden will not make it go away. Rather, facing and actively dealing with your grief will bring about true healing more quickly.
MYTH:It's important to "be strong" in the face of loss.
FACT:Feeling sad, frightened, lonely or having other similar emotions, is a normal reaction to loss. Crying or breaking down does not mean you are weak. You do not need to protect your family or others by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings will help them and you. This was the biggest mistake I made. I feared if I allowed myself to cry I would never be able to stop, and tried to hide my true feelings from my sons. I should instead have been free to share and cry with them.
MYTH:If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.
FACT:Crying is a normal response to sorrow, but it is not the only one. Those who do not cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of coping with it. They need just as much support and comfort from others.
MYTH:Grief should last about a year.
FACT:There is no right time frame for grieving. How long it takes to recover from loss differs widely from person to person.
MYTH:Moving on with your life means you're forgetting the one you lost.
FACT:Moving on means you have accepted your loved one's death. That is not the same as forgetting. You can adjust to a "new normal" while always keeping your loved one's memory a part of you. Though my husband has been gone many years, every time I see one of my sons or grandchildren, I see him through them and rejoice they will one day know him when we are all together with Christ.
MYTH:When a death is expected, all grieving is done in advance.
FACT:People often do start grieving ahead of an expected death such as a terminal illness. Yet, as prepared as a person may feel, the actual death can still cause intense reactions.
MYTH:Friends can help the mourner by not bringing up the subject of the loss.
FACT:People who grieve usually want and need to talk about their loss. Bringing up the topic can give a mourner an opening to talk. But if they do not seem to want to talk, don't pry or force conversation.
MYTH:A good way to express sympathy is to say "I know how you feel."
FACT:Everyone feels grief in a different way. It is not possible for anyone to know exactly what another person is going through after a loss. Saying "I know how you feel" can make a mourner feel like you're making light of his or her pain, and I confess I felt anger when it was said to me. No one can know unless you yourself have lost a mate what it is like to lose your "better half". A good marriage is being "one flesh" with our mate, and loss makes us feel as if we're only "half-there". I literally felt my right side went into the grave with my husband, but I had to continue going on because of our sons.
WHAT SHOULD PEOPLE SAY OR DO? My best suggestion is being there with a hug for the grieving ones, and letting them know you are with them to support them. Let them talk about their grief when they desire, but just "be there". Sometimes the less words spoken, the more deeply felt is your compassion, and see how you can support and help the family in practical ways.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO? There is NO right or wrong way to feel or think about your loss. Do not be pressured by others' ideas of how you "should" or "have to" be. Try to express your feelings or thoughts. You can do this by talking, crying, writing or physical activity. Also, reach out to people you trust. This is the time to lean on friends and other supportive people. Look for those who accept your feelings and thoughts, no matter what they are. Often, people want to help, but don't know how. Try simply telling them what you need.
For those of you who see this Blog and are in the Dover, DE area, come and join The Widow's Might at our meetings on the 2nd Thursday of each month at 6:30 in the Prayer Room of Calvary Assembly Church. All are welcome. Our next meeting will be on Thursday, November 11, 2010. We welcome ladies who have lost mates to come to share as you desire and pray with and support each other.
I recently found two encouraging quotes by Helen Keller that I thought were appropriate for widows looking for our "New Normal". "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." and "The best way out is always through."
We look forward to having you join us. Love in Christ, Dee
New materials about "Myths & Facts About Grief" were given to me recently, and I felt sharing some of these would be helpful for you.
MYTH:The pain of loss will go away faster if you ignore it.
FACT:Trying to ignore your pain or keep it hidden will not make it go away. Rather, facing and actively dealing with your grief will bring about true healing more quickly.
MYTH:It's important to "be strong" in the face of loss.
FACT:Feeling sad, frightened, lonely or having other similar emotions, is a normal reaction to loss. Crying or breaking down does not mean you are weak. You do not need to protect your family or others by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings will help them and you. This was the biggest mistake I made. I feared if I allowed myself to cry I would never be able to stop, and tried to hide my true feelings from my sons. I should instead have been free to share and cry with them.
MYTH:If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.
FACT:Crying is a normal response to sorrow, but it is not the only one. Those who do not cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of coping with it. They need just as much support and comfort from others.
MYTH:Grief should last about a year.
FACT:There is no right time frame for grieving. How long it takes to recover from loss differs widely from person to person.
MYTH:Moving on with your life means you're forgetting the one you lost.
FACT:Moving on means you have accepted your loved one's death. That is not the same as forgetting. You can adjust to a "new normal" while always keeping your loved one's memory a part of you. Though my husband has been gone many years, every time I see one of my sons or grandchildren, I see him through them and rejoice they will one day know him when we are all together with Christ.
MYTH:When a death is expected, all grieving is done in advance.
FACT:People often do start grieving ahead of an expected death such as a terminal illness. Yet, as prepared as a person may feel, the actual death can still cause intense reactions.
MYTH:Friends can help the mourner by not bringing up the subject of the loss.
FACT:People who grieve usually want and need to talk about their loss. Bringing up the topic can give a mourner an opening to talk. But if they do not seem to want to talk, don't pry or force conversation.
MYTH:A good way to express sympathy is to say "I know how you feel."
FACT:Everyone feels grief in a different way. It is not possible for anyone to know exactly what another person is going through after a loss. Saying "I know how you feel" can make a mourner feel like you're making light of his or her pain, and I confess I felt anger when it was said to me. No one can know unless you yourself have lost a mate what it is like to lose your "better half". A good marriage is being "one flesh" with our mate, and loss makes us feel as if we're only "half-there". I literally felt my right side went into the grave with my husband, but I had to continue going on because of our sons.
WHAT SHOULD PEOPLE SAY OR DO? My best suggestion is being there with a hug for the grieving ones, and letting them know you are with them to support them. Let them talk about their grief when they desire, but just "be there". Sometimes the less words spoken, the more deeply felt is your compassion, and see how you can support and help the family in practical ways.
WHAT SHOULD YOU DO? There is NO right or wrong way to feel or think about your loss. Do not be pressured by others' ideas of how you "should" or "have to" be. Try to express your feelings or thoughts. You can do this by talking, crying, writing or physical activity. Also, reach out to people you trust. This is the time to lean on friends and other supportive people. Look for those who accept your feelings and thoughts, no matter what they are. Often, people want to help, but don't know how. Try simply telling them what you need.
For those of you who see this Blog and are in the Dover, DE area, come and join The Widow's Might at our meetings on the 2nd Thursday of each month at 6:30 in the Prayer Room of Calvary Assembly Church. All are welcome. Our next meeting will be on Thursday, November 11, 2010. We welcome ladies who have lost mates to come to share as you desire and pray with and support each other.
I recently found two encouraging quotes by Helen Keller that I thought were appropriate for widows looking for our "New Normal". "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." and "The best way out is always through."
We look forward to having you join us. Love in Christ, Dee
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)