In recent conversations with other widows, we discussed how relationships in our lives have changed since the death of our mates. Couples with whom we had close friendships stop seeing us; close friends we had see us less until we hardly see them any more, and even family dynamics change, particularly with in-laws. Then I received a set of DVD's from Miriam Neff, the author of :"From One Widow to Another" which many of our ladies have enjoyed. For anyone reading this Blog who are unfamiliar with it, this resource can be obtained through Amazon.com for around $10, and I highly recommend it. You can also find information on the WidowConnection.com link on this Blog.
Because of my conversations and receiving the DVD's which we will be sharing at future Widow's Might meetings, I have felt to share some things that we each feel are important, especially for newer widows to help them navigate the new flood waters that threaten to engulf them.
Miriam Neff has suggested a concept that helped her to go through this change. She says this concept is particularly helpful in addressing emotions and the myriad of decisions each widow must make. She suggests the picture of a Board Room with a large table with high back chairs surrounding it. You sit at the head; each chair represents a person to advise you, to vote on your actions and bring you helpful information. You listen to these people. They are your VIP's, the movers and shakers of your new world.
What determines who will sit in those chairs? Two might be your parents if they are alive. You might invite favorite teachers or relatives to join your board. They may be coworkers, people you admire, even people you don't admire but might have controlled some of your decisions in the past. You should include someone to help with financial decisions. Your life has now changed and you need people on that board to give you good advice, to help you navigate through this time. These are people you want to influence and advice you. Remember, you are now in charge, and you can invite whom you wish to your table. Your table should include a godly widow who has walked this path before you, a person with financial wisdom, a practical friend, a person with spiritual discernment and courage who will also encourage you, and perhaps a relative whose priority is YOUR well-being. These are not taken directly from Miriam, but edited from her suggestions. Also remember that this "Board of Directors" can be changed when you feel someone needs to be replaced because they do not seem to be acting in your best interests..(But be careful to be "teachable" and not throw out advice because you do not like it, especially if it is for your best interest.) Also remember you are now having to deal with a new set of emotions, very different from what you experienced before.
GRIEF is a normal response to loss. While often described in stages of shock, disbelief, denial and acceptance, grief does NOT fit neatly in stages. As you move through grief, Miriam suggests you be kind to yourself, give yourself time to heal, write down your feelings in a journal, and surround yourself with positive people. There are many Psalms that address the broken-hearted, such as "The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them ALL" (Psalms 34:17, 18).
DEPRESSION is a normal reaction to loss, crisis, or a traumatic event. Symptoms may include moodiness or sadness, painful thinking (negative thoughts about yourself, lack of motivation, indecision), physical symptoms of sleeplessness and loss of appetite, anxiety resulting in irritability and delusional thinking. Here's good news about depression: It's normal (we're not crazy), it's manageable (We WILL get through it), it's treatable. (For some, a short-term medication may be helpful if your doctor feels it's advisable.
FEAR is another emotion - this is being afraid of an unknown or negative expectation. It is normal in times of change and when facing the unknown, but should be temporary. God's word is a wonderful antidote to fear: "God has not given you a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound (or disciplined) mind." (2 Tim. 1:7). or "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear: because fear has torment. He that fears is not made perfect in love." (1 John 4:18). The perfect love of our Jesus is our best answer to fear.
ANGER is a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure or hostility. It's not unusual in the wake of great changes to feel anger about the circumstances, people's behavior, even at institutions with whom we had to interact regarding our loss. (But it is unhealthy to hold onto anger too long.) Forgiveness is always a healthy antidote to anger. If you find you cannot forgive people who deeply wounded you, particularly at such a vulnerable time in your life, I have found praying and asking the Lord to help me forgive. Let him know you WILL to forgive, but it's hard, and pray for His grace to forgive. It may take a while, but God answers.
We have not yet answered the big question of new relationships. I have found it important to watch out for people who appear interested in our well being, but really want to "use" our vulnerability and take advantage of us. I especially found this to be the case when I've needed work done in my home or on my car. I believe new relationships with other widows who understand some of what you have been through is extremely helpful. Each of us has had different experiences, but we have each lost the one we love the most. Being able to speak of our loss brings healing. I found when I had no one to talk with about my spouse it was difficult; but when I found a "kindred spirit" with whom we could share together, we each felt better after our encounter. Here again, I do not recommend sharing everything at the first encounter until you can trust each other, but most widows are delighted to find a person with whom they can share their hearts, and healing comes as we share together.
Going to church and becoming involved in Bible studies and groups that interest you are a wonderful place to meet new friends. Volunteering at the hospital is an area in which I personally found great comfort, and there are huge varieties of things you can find to do there, depending on your past training and interests. There are open doors to volunteers in schools to help teach children to read or assist teachers in a classroom, and many other areas where volunteers are welcomed.
We have not addressed children, but I was a young mother when widowed, and found myself so concerned with comforting three little boys with no daddy and trying to do what I could to fill in gaps that I was sorely equipped to fill. Yet I learned I should have been more concerned about my own grieving process at the time, as I probably would have been able to be a better mother to them when they needed me. But we all learn through our experiences, but I pray our beginning to dialogue about these areas will bring deeper healing to all our relationships as we get to know each other better in our Widow's Might group.
For those of you who are able to join us at our Widow's Might meetings, we will be watching some of the DVD's from the Widow's Connection and continue to discuss these areas together. My love and prayers are for each of us to experience deeper healing in our relationships and the grieving process. Dee
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