Myths & Facts About Grief

We have recently been meeting more widows. My heart goes out to each one, because I remember so deeply how alone I felt when I had no one with whom to speak about my feelings. Forty years ago I was the only woman in my neighborhood of 100 homes where there was no husband or daddy. My young sons were made more aware of this by unkind remarks made by their peers about why they had no daddy. This only made my own wounds more painful.

New materials about "Myths & Facts About Grief" were given to me recently, and I felt sharing some of these would be helpful for you.

MYTH:The pain of loss will go away faster if you ignore it.
FACT:Trying to ignore your pain or keep it hidden will not make it go away. Rather, facing and actively dealing with your grief will bring about true healing more quickly.

MYTH:It's important to "be strong" in the face of loss.
FACT:Feeling sad, frightened, lonely or having other similar emotions, is a normal reaction to loss. Crying or breaking down does not mean you are weak. You do not need to protect your family or others by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings will help them and you. This was the biggest mistake I made. I feared if I allowed myself to cry I would never be able to stop, and tried to hide my true feelings from my sons. I should instead have been free to share and cry with them.

MYTH:If you don't cry, it means you aren't sorry about the loss.
FACT:Crying is a normal response to sorrow, but it is not the only one. Those who do not cry may feel the pain just as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of coping with it. They need just as much support and comfort from others.

MYTH:Grief should last about a year.
FACT:There is no right time frame for grieving. How long it takes to recover from loss differs widely from person to person.

MYTH:Moving on with your life means you're forgetting the one you lost.
FACT:Moving on means you have accepted your loved one's death. That is not the same as forgetting. You can adjust to a "new normal" while always keeping your loved one's memory a part of you. Though my husband has been gone many years, every time I see one of my sons or grandchildren, I see him through them and rejoice they will one day know him when we are all together with Christ.

MYTH:When a death is expected, all grieving is done in advance.
FACT:People often do start grieving ahead of an expected death such as a terminal illness. Yet, as prepared as a person may feel, the actual death can still cause intense reactions.

MYTH:Friends can help the mourner by not bringing up the subject of the loss.
FACT:People who grieve usually want and need to talk about their loss. Bringing up the topic can give a mourner an opening to talk. But if they do not seem to want to talk, don't pry or force conversation.

MYTH:A good way to express sympathy is to say "I know how you feel."
FACT:Everyone feels grief in a different way. It is not possible for anyone to know exactly what another person is going through after a loss. Saying "I know how you feel" can make a mourner feel like you're making light of his or her pain, and I confess I felt anger when it was said to me. No one can know unless you yourself have lost a mate what it is like to lose your "better half". A good marriage is being "one flesh" with our mate, and loss makes us feel as if we're only "half-there". I literally felt my right side went into the grave with my husband, but I had to continue going on because of our sons.

WHAT SHOULD PEOPLE SAY OR DO? My best suggestion is being there with a hug for the grieving ones, and letting them know you are with them to support them. Let them talk about their grief when they desire, but just "be there". Sometimes the less words spoken, the more deeply felt is your compassion, and see how you can support and help the family in practical ways.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO? There is NO right or wrong way to feel or think about your loss. Do not be pressured by others' ideas of how you "should" or "have to" be. Try to express your feelings or thoughts. You can do this by talking, crying, writing or physical activity. Also, reach out to people you trust. This is the time to lean on friends and other supportive people. Look for those who accept your feelings and thoughts, no matter what they are. Often, people want to help, but don't know how. Try simply telling them what you need.

For those of you who see this Blog and are in the Dover, DE area, come and join The Widow's Might at our meetings on the 2nd Thursday of each month at 6:30 in the Prayer Room of Calvary Assembly Church. All are welcome. Our next meeting will be on Thursday, November 11, 2010. We welcome ladies who have lost mates to come to share as you desire and pray with and support each other.

I recently found two encouraging quotes by Helen Keller that I thought were appropriate for widows looking for our "New Normal". "Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all." and "The best way out is always through."

We look forward to having you join us. Love in Christ, Dee